Now I'm back
by name-me
Summary: Set at the beginning of season 10. A look into Sara's thoughts as she stands outside the crime lab on her first day back.


**Hi. In a further attemt to diversify a little, this is another attempt at something a little different. It still has a few hints of angst but I hope the overall it's quite an uplifting piece... I guess you guys will be the best judge of that! Enjoy!**

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CSI Sidle. That had been me, what had defined me for so many years. Then Gilbert Grissom had come along and changed all of that. Granted it took him a long time to do it, but he had in the end. It wasn't as though he hadn't tried earlier:

_You need a diversion…_

Surely unrequited love was a big enough diversion, a big enough distraction, a big enough feeling to consume even the strongest of people.

Thankfully, my feelings were not as one sided as I had feared and my job no longer defined me. My job was no longer the only solid reason for me staying in Vegas. I think if Gil and I hadn't gotten together I would have left long before I actually did. There had been a lot of things going on in my life for such a long time that I was finding it hard to cope with. Gil just made it that bit easier to see past those things. He made it easier to see what really mattered. Or perhaps it was that he made me see that I really mattered. Either way, he was the reason I stayed and when I did leave, he was the thing I most regretted leaving behind. I know that he blamed himself for what happened to me that night in the desert, I guess maybe he still does, and for a long time I think he blamed himself for me running away like I did too. But it wasn't his fault. It was nobodies fault really. It was just something I had to do.

But now I'm back. I have to admit that I never thought I would be, not because I didn't want to, but simply because I never thought I would have the courage to face it all again. And now as I stand here in front of this imposing grey building I find myself feeling nervous, like a child on her first day of a new school. And it's strange because although I know that for the most part the people are the same and the job will be the same and I know what I should be expecting when I walk through those doors, I know that so much has changed in my absence.

The last time I returned was under less than happy circumstances. The death of Warrick and the event leading up to it were a great shock to me. I know though, that however hard I found it to come to terms with loosing his, it must have been much harder for the rest of the team. That's not to say that Warrick Brown was not a great friend to me or that I don't miss him, but I never had the relationship with him that the others did. I suppose it was no help that we didn't really get off to the best of starts with me coming to Vegas with the sole purpose of investigating his role in the death of a colleague. But I would like to think that we got past that. Still, to be there with him only minutes before his death is bound to give you a different perspective on things. And as for Grissoms part, to be there holding him as he died… It broke him. Warrick's death was just another thing he blamed himself for.

_I should have stopped him before things got so out of hand. I could have prevented this; I could have saved him Sara._

_You did all you could_

_You weren't here. How could you know?_

I can't say that didn't hurt. It's true that I wasn't there but then I didn't need to be. I know Gil Grissom and I know he would never do anything less than all he could. I can only hope that the atmosphere surrounding my return this time will be less sorrowful, although I do worry that something is not right.

Perhaps what makes me most nervous about being here now is that I just don't know how the team will react to my return. I would like to think that they will be pleased to see me, but I left so abruptly last time and at a moment when we really needed to be together and a part of me thinks that they would be entirely justified to be angry with me for that. Of course Gil has told me this is rubbish, that anger is the last thing that will be on their minds, but I can't seem to shake the anxious feeling that's lingering over me.

I worry too that they blame me for taking Grissom from them. He has been more than a boss and a mentor to everyone on the team and I don't doubt that they miss him greatly. He left his job and his life in Vegas to be with me. He left them to be with me. Now I know that it's not as though I forcefully dragged him away and that I was not his sole reason for leaving but there is no denying that my absence played a big part in his decision. I just hope they don't resent me for it. I just feel that if I had given them an explanation for my leaving they would have a greater chance of forgiving me for it. It's like I told Gil,

_I_ _have spent almost my entire life with ghosts._

I just couldn't cope with them following me around anymore, influencing my decisions, holding me back. I was on the verge of breaking down and I didn't want anyone, not just Gil but the rest of the team too, to see it. Of course if I were to tell the others this they would ask me:

What ghosts?

What had happened to me in my past that I still felt now that I had to run away from it?

Why had I not spoken to them earlier?

I can't answer those questions. I don't want them to know about my family and what I went through as a child. Gil knowing is more than enough. And lets face it, if I didn't have the strength to talk to Gil about what I feeling, what I was going through, I would never have found enough to speak to them.

It's Nick I worry about the most. Loosing Warrick devastated him and I left without even saying goodbye. I regret that. I regret that after the first time, I couldn't at least try and explain myself to them when I found myself having to leave again. But more than that, I worry that perhaps Nick was disappointed in me. What Natalie did to me was so close to what Nick had been through only a couple of years earlier, in that plastic box under the desert. The only difference was that he was strong enough to pull through that where as I just gave up. He stayed where I ran. I just hope he can forgive me for it.

But maybe now is not the time to be dwelling on such things. True I had a hard time in my last few months at the lab, but before then there were years of good times. I found friends there and more than that, I found a family, I found Gil.

We had met before I came to the lab, when he was speaking at a conference in San Francisco and we had hit it off instantly. We kept in contact via email and the occasional letter. We would talk about forensics mostly to begin with but then we started to stray onto more personal territory. And then the phone calls started. I would like to think that we were great friends back then, or as much friends as two awkward scientists can become when they haven't met face to face in months. All the same, I was a little surprised when he called me to come to Vegas, and even more surprised when he asked me to stay. I admit, there were times when I wished I had said no to his last request. It sometimes seemed like we were better friends when we lived in separate states than we were when we were working alongside each other. One minute we would be fine and the next we would argue and then stop talking to one and other at all. It was silly really, childish even. We were both afraid to admit our feelings. Well actually, I wasn't so afraid. I admitted how I felt but was shot down.

_Would you like to have dinner with me?_

_No._

It made me feel stupid more than anything, like I had misinterpreted everything, all the little moments: The smiles, the touch of my hand, the invitation to come here in the first place. But then:

_Sara, I don't know what to do about this._

So he was afraid. Of what I'm not sure: Afraid of loosing me maybe? Of loosing his job or the respect of his team? I don't know. It's not something we have ever really discussed. Maybe we will one day but I somehow doubt it. I guess that in a way it doesn't matter anymore. So much has happened since then.

It was Nick's kidnapping that changed it all. I think it made Gil realise that the chance of loosing me made him more afraid than the idea of admitting how he felt about me. He came over to my house the next night. He said he couldn't sleep and neither could I. neither of us had eaten either so we ordered takeout, but we didn't eat it. We didn't feel much like food so it just sat there congealing and getting cold as we talked.

_It could have been any one of us in that box Sara. _

_I know. How do you think he kept going? _

_I don't know. Thinking about his friends, his family maybe. The people he loves and that love him._

_I'm not sure I would have lasted so long._

_What would you have thought of?_

_What?_

_To keep going, what would you have thought of? _

I stared at him for a long time. It was a slightly morbid question, even from him. All I could muster was a shrug.

_I think maybe I would have thought of you. Of how much I regretted not telling you how I feel. _

_And how do you feel?_

_Like in you, I have finally found out what love is. _

This was to be the first time that Gil Grissom rendered me truly speechless. For all I had accused him in the past of being cold and unfeeling, he proved to me then that he did have a heart. And it was a heart he was willing to give to me. The only condition of this gift was that others didn't know. It was very much an unspoken condition, but we both knew it was necessary and for the most part it suited us perfectly. But when our relationship came to light, for reasons I do not wish to dwell on again, it for a short while at least, blossomed only further. He asked me to marry him and I think that night, for the first time since my attack, I slept soundly and with a smile on my face. It wasn't exactly the most romantic of proposals, but it was so typically Grissom-like to catch me off guard like that, turning a ordinary day into something so much more.

_Maybe we should get married?_

_Let's do it._

He apologised for the lack of romance a couple of days later when we were in the park, walking Hank.

_I'm sorry if it wasn't what you were expecting._

_If what wasn't?_

_When I asked you to marry me. I'm sorry if it wasn't how you had hoped it would be._

The truth was that I had never really expected him to ask me at all. I wasn't one of those children who dreamed of a big white wedding with pretty pink roses and a dozen bridesmaids. A husband and a family were the last thing on my mind. I guess I have my father to thank for that. Of course I wasn't going to tell Gil that, so instead I asked him:

_Was it what you had hoped?_

_You said yes._

_Did you think I would turn you down?_

He didn't say anything, just looked at the ground and kept on walking. I pulled his hand back and turned him towards me waiting for him to look at me before I spoke.

I could never say no to you. You are everything to me Gil.

And looking back, at that time in my life, he really was everything. My job had stopped mattering to me and since Ecklie had moved me to the swing shift, I no longer had my friends at my side in the way I had gotten accustomed to.

_I love you Sara._ He rested his hand against my cheek as he spoke.

I love you too.

It was the first time we had said those words to each other outside of the confines of our home. Those words meant as much to me then as they did the first time he said them to me.

But all the times he called me honey or dear or sweetheart, told me loved me and kissed me and made me feel like I was finally part of a family, were just not enough in the end. He tells me he understands why I had to leave; after all he went on his sabbatical for many of the same reasons. I hope it's true, that he does understand, that he knows I would have stayed with him forever if I could. I suppose him following me should be enough to prove that it's true. And we did get our forever.

The second time he asked me to marry him was during our last two weeks in Costa Rica. We had decided to spend some time relaxing by the cost before continuing on our travels. I had been standing by the shore, looking out at the sunset, enjoying the feel of the water lapping around my feet when he came up behind me and took me by the hand.

_Come in with me._

He had walked backwards, pulling me towards him, his eyes not moving from mine. When the water had reached waist height he fell back into the water, pulling me down on top of him. I settled myself on his knees, my legs wrapped around his waist and we floated there, watching the sunset.

_Perfect don't you think?_

_It is very beautiful._

_I was actually talking about you dear. But you're right: very beautiful._

And then we had kissed_._

_Marry me._ He said. _I know I asked you once before but with everything that has happened I just wasn't sure…_

I think I must have been too shocked to talk. It had come so unexpectedly. I mean you don't expect a man to ask you twice.

_Marry me._ He said again.

_Yes. The answer was always yes._

So he did get his romantic proposal in the end. But as was often the way with us, it simply took a little longer than expected.

I guess it may seem strange to some people that only months after Gil and I were married we are once again separated but to me, the distance doesn't really matter. We are both such independent people and I guess it's true what they say about old habits being hard to break. We found ourselves needing to be in two very different places. Gil had offered to come back to Vegas with me but I told him that this is something I need to do alone. This is the last ghost I need to bury.

_Just take care of yourself._

_I will, I promise._

_If it gets too much for you…_

_I'll call you, I know._

I glanced up at the large clock on the stark white wall of the airport.

I better get going.

He took my hand and pulled me close to him.

_I love you Mrs Grissom._

_I love you too. _

_Say hi to everyone for me ok._

_I will._

_Call me when you land._

_Ok._

I think at that moment I truly realised why it was that I had never said goodbye when I left before. It was harder than I had thought it would be. But I had promised myself I wouldn't cry. There had been far too much of that in my past.

But I'm glad I came back. Granted, all that may change when I get plunged back into the world of crime that I was so desperate to leave. But with everything that has happened I feel like a different person now, more equipped to deal, more equipped to help others do the same. I'm ready to face this last challenge. I'm not just CSI Sidle but rather Sara Sidle, CSI.

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**I hope you liked it? Please, please let me know what you think! This has been sat on my computer for a while and I have been in two minds about posting it at all. Any comments good or bad are more than welcome. **

**Thanks for reading.**


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